I’m gonna vomit. Not because of the drugs but because I make myself sick, literally. That’s how much I hate myself. I wanna puke just realizing what I am, what my body and existence are. I’m the worst. I’m the worst fucking person in this goddamn world. I’m completely worthless, not even good for sex. Not even good for anything. I’m the worst…

And what am I now? That which I criticized. A drugged up mess that doesn’t even qualify as a human. After criticizing alcohol my whole life, I pick up something even worse. The hypocrisy hurts. I’m such an arrogant asshole. I pick up something that I think is keeping me alive. I still think it is. It’s a mistake, but hey, I’m alive? That’s great isn’t it? I don’t think so.

I couldn’t even not ruin the one place I felt safe, the one community that accepted me. I fucked that up too. I can’t even follow the simplest rule, like not posting literal porn, twice. I’m that stupid, if you can believe it. I sure can, I did it. I fucking suck.

I hope something terrible happens to me. I hope I meet someone in a dark alley. Don’t care what they do but I hope I suffer. Maybe then I’ll find the strength. Maybe. I hope I die one day.

I just wish I wasn’t here anymore. I really honestly wish I wasn’t born in the first place. If I knew I’d be trans I’d somehow go back in time and convince my mother to get an abortion. It hurts. 8 months HRT and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing has changed. Face still as caveman like as ever, body still inverted triangle ultra masculine. What a joke I am honestly. What a fucking joke. And to think I was so naive to think I started early, that I’d pass one day. What a load of bs. If anything I look more masculine now than I ever did. I’m literally a guy with boobs, that’s all I am and all I’ll ever be. Fuck this body. Fuck this world and fuck this life. I want out so badly but I’m literally not strong enough to end it. I literally can’t. The only thing that will happen is I’ll get the police called on me again if I start being too honest with people with how much I’m struggling. I can’t anymore, sorry.

Why don’t I just leave. I don’t bring anything positive to the world anyway. I’m just a man and that’s all I’ll ever be. Neither HRT nor surgery will save me. People say to love myself, but how can I do that, when I’m the one responsible for this destruction and mutilation of my body that we call “normal puberty”? Why did I ever put off starting HRT…
Now’s too late. Always has been. Now it’s impossible for me to ever look at myself and see a girl. Passing is a fucking joke, I can’t seriously look in the mirror without simultaneously bursting into laughter and tears. I’m just a monster and yet I still somehow think I deserve to be called and adressed as a woman. I ruined this body. This is all my fault.
I ruin everything I touch. Every relationship, every friendship I ever had, every community I ever belonged to. My only two irl friends don’t even talk to me anymore. I haven’t even been able to get off my ass and go get therapy. All I do is take estrogen and hope somehow I’ll get to be a “real girl” one day without putting in any effort of my own. I’m the worst kind of pathetic. I’m an unlovable, obnoxious, ugly dumb piece of shit that has no value as a person. Sometimes I even wonder if I’m a person at all.
Maybe in another timeline I’m happy. I don’t need SRS or extensive FFS or even HRT. Or maybe I do need HRT, but I actually started at a reasonable age, before the damage became irreparable. Whatever that timeline is, it isn’t this one. I’m so fucked. I hate myself so much. There’s no one in this world I hate more than myself. I don’t even hate other people, just this thing that I am. I hate living in this body. I hate living this life. I hate being whatever fucking monster this is. I’m so tired of it. I wish I’d never been born.